


A Very Bland Voltron Christmas

by genericfanatic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, made for the followers despite no one asking me to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 08:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericfanatic/pseuds/genericfanatic
Summary: The paladins go shopping for space christmas gifts at the mall.Made in honor of getting 100 followers on my sideblog blandvoltronheadcanons!





	A Very Bland Voltron Christmas

“Come on now,” Shiro said, “Lets get these presents done as soon as we can,”

The Paladins decided they were going to celebrate Christmas, so they took a stop by the Space Mall to pick up some presents.

“I’m already set.” Lance said, smirking “Handmade presents, the best kind.”

“What did you get everyone?” Hunk asked, honestly curious. 

Faster than lightning, Lance whipped out copies of cd’s, holding them between his fingers. “The universe’s top meme songs, as covered by yours truly, so you can listen whenever you’re missing my beautiful voice.”

The others groaned, tired of his meme songs, but Lance paid them no mind, putting in one of the CD’s to a player he had brought with him, playing it as they walked down. The CD player immediately started playing Lance’s rendition of “the fast food song.”

“Oh god,” Shiro said, freezing in the middle of “Not again.” The other paladins looked questioningly at him. “I had that song stuck in my head for a week straight. Then Matt put it on when we were halfway to Kerberos.” He shuddered at the memory.

Lance chuckled, turning off the cd player. “Sorry, Shiro. Why don’t you go first, what do you want as a present?” 

“Shouldn’t you all have to pick it out for me?” Shiro said. 

“Usually,” Pidge said, “But we don’t really wanna split up and wander through a Galra-controlled mall. Especially when ONE of us is so stressed he didn’t even realize he was wearing two different shoes.”

Shiro raised his eyebrow, confused, when Pidge looked down at Shiro’s feet. Shiro followed her gaze, noting the fact he had worn a black boot and a grey boot, “Ah, dammit…”

“So, what d’ya like?” Keith asked as they passed through the stores. 

Shiro sighed, thinking, “You know what I’ve really missed? Shaving with a straight razor.” 

The other paladins raised an eyebrow in sync. “Really?” Hunk asked. 

Shiro nodded, “I really love a good straight razor with warm lather and a hot towel. That sounds really nice.”

“I know a knife store,” Keith said, “Come on.”

After they found something approximating a straight razor, they made their way to the Earth store to look for more gifts. “Hey Lance,” Pidge said in the clothing aisle, “Why don’t we get you a new jacket that’s not 100 years old?”

“Buzz off, Pidge,” Lance said, adjusting his jacket collar, “It’s vintage.”

Keith, meanwhile, was cursing over the DVD collection. “What is it?” Shiro asked.

“Nothing,” Keith sulked, staring at the disks.

“What, do they not have any of your survival shows?” Shiro asked, smiling.

Keith looked up in shock. “How did you—“

“Everyone knows, Keith,” Shiro said. Keith sighed. 

“Hey Keith,” Hunk said, walking back into the store after he got distracted from a cart outside, “What about these instructional guides? ‘How to pilot every ship in the universe.’”

“Hmm…” Keith said, “Eh, no thanks. I don’t really use ‘instructions’ for piloting.” The other pilots stared at him in disbelief. Keith shrugged, “I just go on instinct.” Shiro clutched his head, fighting a headache. 

Keith ignored him, spotting something in the corner of his eye. “THAT however, is interesting.” He pushed past his friends to grab a guitar hanging on the wall. 

Lance raised an eyebrow, “You play guitar?”

Keith nodded, putting the strap on to try and play a few chords. “Shiro taught me, before he left for Kerberos.”

Shiro smiled, thinking back on it. “He’d send Matt, Sam and me videos of him playing. It was great.”

Keith smiled, happy with his chosen gift. 

“Dude, Pidge, look!” Hunk grabbed Pidge’s arm and hid behind a shelf, pointing at a passing alien. It was over 8 feet tall, covered in dark fur…and had huge, disproportional feet. “Ha! I knew Bigfoot was real! Bigfoot 1, Nessie, 0.” He smirked smugly at her.

Pidge rolled her eyes dramatically. “I’ve actually moved on from Nessie,” She said, “My new favorite cryptid is that DAMN cat—“ The other paladins all groaned. “It’s real!” She said, “I’m telling you, I saw an orange cat running around Lion Castle!”

“And how did it GET there?” Lance asked.

“It’s a cryptid, Lance,” Pidge said, “I don’t know!”

“More likely you weren’t getting enough SLEEP, Pidge,” Shiro said, crossing his arms.

“I get plenty of sleep,” Pidge answered back, “Once, at the academy, I slept for 35 hours straight.”

“35?!” Hunk said, equal parts amazed and concerned. 

Pidge nodded sagely, “Woke up to my roommate and a pair of medics arguing about whether I was dead or not.”

“Uhhh guys?” Keith said, “I think we have a bigger problem than Pidge’s sleeping habits.” He pointed to the side where Bigfoot had just walked past. 

Prince Lotor and Haggar were across the way, dealing with a shop keeper. All 5 paladins ducked for cover. 

 

Across the way, Lotor was bored and annoyed. He ran a hand through his hair, only for his hand to get stuck. “Haggar, can we GO now?” He complained, trying to undo the knots around his fingers, “You’ve been haggling for 10 hours!”

“One tick, your highness,” Haggar said, “How about I curse one enemy of yours for you?”

“Hmm…how about 3 enemies?” The Unilu shopkeeper said.

“Two, and that’s my final offer.” Haggar said.

The shopkeeper smiled. “Done.” Haggar nodded, victorious. 

She and the shopkeeper stared at one another for a moment before they realized, neither of them remembered what they were haggling over. “The stamps?” Lotor said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, right.” The shopkeeper said, taking them out and handing them over. 

Haggar smiled, victorious. “Sendak will enjoy having these in his collection.”

“Doesn’t he already have enough,” Lotor said, “He has an entire deck full.”

“Best not to question him,” Haggar said, as they passed by the shops, “Now, we just need something for Zarkon. I thought about maybe getting him a sleep aid, he fell asleep in our last meeting.”

“He did?” Lotor asked.

Haggar nodded, “No one noticed because he kept talking about the Black Lion.”

Lotor nodded, “Ah.”

 

Once Haggar and Lotor passed, the paladins decided to go down to the food court, where they found Coran eating his weight in food. “Coran!” Lance said, surprised and amazed, “What are you doing?!” 

Coran glimpsed up at them. “Hi there,” he said, “Sorry, in the middle of a competition. Couldn’t say no.”

The paladins flinched at the sight of him eating. “Uh…lets go get something,” Shiro said, ushering them over to the food stands. 

“Ohh, a yogurt stand!” Keith said, lighting up. 

“Oh no,” Shiro said, grabbing him before he could head over, “You’re lactose intolerant, you’re not having any of that.” Keith slumped. 

“What do you want, Shiro?” Hunk asked, looking over the options.

Shiro shrugged, “Eh, I’m not picky.” 

“What?” Keith said, “You used to be the pickiest eater I’ve ever met!”

Shiro shrugged again, “When you’re imprisoned and have to survive green goo, you become less picky. 

The others shrunk slightly, sad to be reminded of Shiro’s imprisonment. 

“You know what this dining experience needs?” Lance says, pulling out his cd player again, “A PARTY!”

He clicked a button, and the player instantly starting playing the Macarena. Lance sang along in Spanish fluently jumping up on a table to show the aliens. “Careful, Lance!” Hunk protested, reaching out his arms to catch Lance if he fell.

“Calm down, Hunk,” Lance said, dancing out the steps, “I have never broken a bone once.”

Aliens started gathering around, intrigued by Lance’s moves. “Come on, everyone!” Lance encouraged, “these are very important, well respected traditional Earth dances and songs!”

They started copying him, and the food court was alive with dancers. Not being able to give in, one by one, the other paladins joined in.

The show was instantly stolen by Shiro, who moved so fluidly he gained cheers from the surrounding crowd. “Woo! Shake it, Shiro!” Hunk said.

Shiro flashed a smile, “I was a dancer on Earth. The flexibility really helped in the gladiator arena.”

“Less depressing, more singing!” Lance called out.

As the song reached its end, the entire food court shook their hips and yelled out “AYYYY MACARENA!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! my tumblr is dork-empress
> 
> If YOU have a bland headcanon about Voltron, make sure to send it in to blandvoltronheadcanons.tumblr.com! Or, just go to browse the headcanons mentioned in this fic as well as many others!


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